Some thoughts on life and other contemplations

[Preciouslife1]

MURPHY'S OTHER LAWS:

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Just remember if the world didn't suck, we'd all fly off into space.

The 50-50-90 rule:

Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!

[Preciouslife1]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
: )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

[Leonid]

Bravo))

[Stanislav]

Hah, that's so true!

[Preciouslife1]

Originally Posted by Leonid

Bravo))

Spasibo, grazie, gracias, arigato, toda, merci, takk, danke, salamat po, obrigado, asante, do jeh and xie xie, kamsa hamnida, sukria, efharisto, terima kasih, dziekuje, kiitos, tesekkur ederim, kawp~kun krap/ka', dekuji and of course Thank you both.......ciao.

[Preciouslife1]

The Chinese Calendar

The Chinese lunar year is divided into 12 months of 29 or 30 days. The calendar is adjusted to the length of the solar year by the addition of extra months at regular intervals. The years are arranged in major cycles of 60 years. Each successive year is named after one of 12 animals. These 12-year cycles are continuously repeated. The Chinese New Year is celebrated at the second new moon after the winter solstice and falls between January 21 and February 19 on the Gregorian calendar. The year 2006 translates to the Chinese year 4703–4704. The year 2007 translates to the Chinese year 4704–4705.
Rat. Ox..Tiger..Rabbit..Dragon..Snake..Horse. Sheep. (Goat). Monkey. Rooster. Dog. Pig
1900 1901 1902 1903 1904 1905 1906 1907 1908 1909 1910 19111912 1913 1914 1915 1916 1917 1918 1919 1920 1921 1922 19231924 1925 1926 1927 1928 1929 1930 1931 1932 1933 1934 19351936 1937 1938 1939 1940 1941 1942 1943 1944 1945 1946 1947 1948 1949 1950 1951 1952 1953 1954 1955 1956 1957 1958 1959 1960 1961 1962 1963 1964 1965 1966 1967 1968 1969 1970 19711972 1973 1974 1975 1976 1977 1978 1979 1980 1981 1982 19831984 1985 1986 1987 1988 1989 1990 1991 1992 1993 1994 19951996 1997 1998 1999 2000 2001 2002 2003 2004 2005 2006 2007 2008 2009 2010 2011 2012 2013 2014 2015 2016 2017 2018 2019

[Preciouslife1]

Interesting Language Facts

• There are more than 2,700 languages in the world. In addition, there are more than 7,000 dialects. A dialect is a regional variety of a language that has a different pronunciation, vocabulary, or meaning.
• The most difficult language to learn is Basque, which is spoken in northwestern Spain and southwestern France. It is not related to any other language in the world. It has an extremely complicated word structure and vocabulary.
• All pilots on international flights identify themselves in English.
• Somalia is the only African country in which the entire population speaks the same language, Somali.
• The language in which a government conducts business is the official language of that country.
• More than 1,000 different languages are spoken on the continent of Africa.
• Many languages in Africa include a “click” sound that is pronounced at the same time as other sounds. You must learn these languages in childhood to do it properly.

[Preciouslife1]

Idioms and Proverbs

If you say, “The cat's out of the bag” instead of “The secret is given away,” you're using an idiom. The meaning of an idiom is different from the actual meaning of the words used. “An apple a day keeps the doctor away” is a proverb. Proverbs are old but familiar sayings that usually give advice. Both idioms and proverbs are part of our daily speech. Many are very old and have interesting histories. See how many of these sayings you know.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away.”
This proverb comes from the ancient Romans, who believed the apple had magical powers to cure illness. In fact, apples are filled with vitamin C, protein, pectin, natural sugars, copper, and iron. They do promote health.

To “climb on the bandwagon.”
Long ago, bands on the platforms of traveling wagons played music to announce a parade or political speech. To show their support, people would often jump onto the platform and join the band. Today, this idiom usually refers to someone who hopes to benefit from supporting another person's idea.

“Saved by the bell.”
In 17th-century England, a guard at Windsor Castle was accused of falling asleep at his post. He claimed he was wrongly accused and could prove it; he had heard the church bell chime 13 times at midnight. Townspeople supported his claim and he was not executed. Today we think of the bell that ends a round in boxing, often saving the boxer from injury, or the bell at the end of a class period, saving you from more work. Regardless, this idiom means rescue from a situation at the last possible moment.

“Bury the hatchet.”
Native Americans used to bury weapons to show that fighting had ended and enemies were now at peace. Today, the idiom means to make up with a friend after an argument or fight.

To “have a chip on one's shoulder.”
In nineteenth-century America, a boy who thought he was pretty tough would put a wood chip on his shoulder and dare anyone to knock it off. Today the idiom refers to anyone who is “touchy” or takes offense easily.

Bakers once gave an extra roll for every dozen sold, so a baker's dozen is 13.

“A close shave.”
In the past, student barbers learned to shave on customers. If they shaved too close, their clients might be cut or even barely escape serious injury. Today, we use this idiom if a person narrowly escapes disaster.

“Dot the i's and cross the t's.”
When only handwritten documents were used, it was very important for the clerk to write everything properly, especially letters like i and t, which could easily be confused. The idiom has since come to mean paying attention to every little detail.

“He who pays the piper calls the tune.”
In medieval times, people were entertained by strolling musicians. Whoever paid the price could choose the music. This proverb means that whoever pays is in charge.
“The pen is mightier than the sword.”
In seventeenth-century England, a free press was banned by the government. This meant that people who disagreed with the government and printed their views were punished. In spite of this, people published their ideas and opinions in illegal pamphlets that were distributed to the public. The proverb means that the written expression of ideas cannot be stopped by physical force.

“The pot calling the kettle black.”
In the seventeenth century, both pots and kettles turned black because they were used over open fires. Today, this idiom means criticizing someone else for a fault of one's own.

“Raining cats and dogs.”
In Norse mythology, the dog is associated with wind and the cat with storms. This expression means it's raining very heavily.

To “shed crocodile tears.”
Crocodiles have a reflex that causes their eyes to tear when they open their mouths. This makes it look as though they are crying while devouring their prey. In fact, neither crocodiles nor people who shed “crocodile” tears feel sorry for their actions.

“Clean bill of health.”
When a doctor gives you a “clean bill of health,” you know that you’re perfectly healthy. In the past, when a ship left a port, it was given a Bill of Health if there were no epidemics in the area from which it left.

“Close but no cigar.”
Years ago, cigars were often given as prizes in contests at fairs and carnivals. When a player almost won, the person running the game would say, “Close but no cigar.”

“Cut from the same cloth.”
This means that a person is very similar to another. When making suits, tailors use fabric from the same piece of cloth to make sure the pieces match perfectly.

“Strike while the iron’s hot.”
When you do this, you’re taking advantage of a good opportunity. Blacksmiths must shape iron into objects during the brief time it’s red-hot.

[Preciouslife1]

This should probably be taped to your bathroom mirror where one could read it every day.
You may not realize it, but it's true.


1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.

3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.

4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.

5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.

6. You mean the world to someone.

7. You are special and unique.

8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.

9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.

10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look around you..

11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.


Good friends are like stars........

You don't always see them,

But you know they are always there.

"Whenever God Closes One Door He Always Opens Another, Even Though Sometimes It's Hell in the Hallway"

I would rather have one rose and a kind word from a friend while I'm here, than a whole
truck load when I'm gone.

THESE ARE FOR YOU !!!!!!

Happiness keeps You Sweet,
Trials keep You Strong,
Sorrows keep You Human,
Failures keeps You Humble,
Success keeps You Glowing,

But Only God keeps You Going, Growing, and Glowing Fully with His Love that surpasses all understanding. Come taste a Love that is so deep and so wide that it can stop all your time, so deep that it will blow your mind.....Love Always.....Mark

Mysterious love, uncertain treasure, Hast thou more of pain or pleasure! . . . .

Endless torments dwell above thee: Yet who would live, and live without thee!

Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it's what you are expected to give--which is everything.

Somewhere there waiteth in this world of ours For one lone soul another lonely soul, Each choosing each through all the weary hours, And meeting strangely at one sudden goal, Then blend they, like green leaves with golden flowers, Into one beautiful and perfect whole; And life's long night is ended, and the way Lies open onward to eternal day.

Ask not of me, love, what is love? Ask what is good of God above; Ask of the great sum what is light; Ask what is darkness of the night; Ask sin of what may be forgiven; Ask what is happiness of heaven; Ask what is folly of the crowd; Ask what is fashion of the shroud; Ask what is sweetness of thy kiss; Ask of thyself what beauty is.

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.
I John 4:18

Love is not getting, but giving, not a wild dream of pleasure, and madness of desire— ... it is goodness, and honor, and peace and pure living.

Love. What is love? No one can define it, its something so great, only God could design it. Yes, love is beyond, what man can define, for love is immortal, and God's gift is divine.
************************************************** *
********************PEACE*************************








Forsake not an old friend; for the new is not comparable to him: a new friend is as new wine; when it is old, thou shalt drink it with pleasure.
Author: Bible
Source: Ecclesiasticus (ch. IX, v. 10)

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take - but by the moments that take our breath away."

"The Vision that you glorify in your mind, the Ideal that you enthrone in your heart - this you will build your life by, this you will become."

Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible and receives the impossible.

Love conquers all, see all and is patient and kind, never jealous, never boastful..love endures, money fades away like sand through the hourglass....Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it's what you are expected to give~which is everything....Mark


Even if a minefield or the abyss should lie before me, I will march straight ahead without looking back.
Author: Plutarch

Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world.
For, indeed, that's all who ever have.
— Margaret Mead

We can do no great things...only small things with great love... Mother Theresa~

Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”


To escape criticism: do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

Twas not into my ear you whispered but into my heart. Twas not my lips you kissed, but my soul.

Remember, the past is History, Tomorrow is a mystery, and the present is a gift, that is why it is called the PRESENT. Be a human being and not a human doing 'cause the destinaton is to BE and not arrive somewhere else...

[Preciouslife1]

Leaving Loneliness Behind
by Barbra Williams Cosentino, L.C.S.W., R.N.

Loneliness is a universal experience known to every human being on earth—single parents, teenagers, divorcees, and even the happily married. No one is immune. Even the rich and famous suffer from loneliness. Judy Garland once said, "If I'm such a legend, then why am I so lonely? Let me tell you, being a legend is all very well if you've got somebody around who loves you."

Many of us are probably lonely but are reluctant to admit it. We may feel ashamed and stigmatized by our loneliness and see it as a sign that we are unlovable or defective instead of recognizing it as an essential part of the human condition.

James Park, an existential philosopher, asks, "Is there a person who has never known the eerie distance of isolation and separation, who has never suffered the pain of rejection or the loss of love?" Park eloquently goes on to say that "Loneliness is an aching void in the center of our being, a deep longing to love and to be loved, to be fully known and accepted by at least one other person."

The Many Faces of Loneliness
Experts say there are several different kinds of loneliness.

Emotional isolation springs from the absence of close emotional attachment. Dr. Robert Weiss of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, a social scientist who did much of the seminal research on loneliness, describes emotional isolation as the terror of a small child who feels abandoned by his parents.
Social isolation results from the lack of a social network. Dr. Weiss characterizes social isolation as the mind-set of a child who is bored and feels left out when his friends are unavailable at a given time. It's no coincidence that children often create imaginary companions to chase away their feelings of loneliness.
Spiritual loneliness stems from a void within ourselves, a sense of feeling incomplete and unfulfilled even when we have many loving people in our lives. Mark Epstein, MD, a New York City psychiatrist, practitioner of Zen Buddhism, and author of Going to Pieces Without Falling Apart, tells his patients that instead of fearing this emptiness, they should learn to embrace it. He writes, "Only when we stop fighting with our personal emptiness can we begin to appreciate the transformation that is possible. Only then can we have access to the still, silent center of our own awareness."

Although divorce, moving to a new state, or a child leaving home can cause feelings of loneliness and loss, feelings of loneliness are often based on an internal sentiment rather than an external reality. Even a socially active, "popular" person can feel emotionally isolated when surrounded by a roomful of superficial acquaintances with whom she lacks a true emotional connection. And people in a satisfying intimate relationship can feel lonely if they don't have a network of friends to turn to for support when their partner is physically or emotionally unavailable.

Embracing Solitude
Because aloneness is different than loneliness, we need to tune in to the unique pleasures of solitude. We need the freedom to devote hours to our passions, the opportunity for self-reflection and introspection, and space to engage in activities in which creativity gushes forth so that we are oblivious to the passage of time.

People who suffer frequently from loneliness find that it is often accompanied by a host of other negative emotions, including sadness, boredom, anxiety, restlessness, self-pity and a lowered sense of self-esteem. One lonely woman says, "I feel like my stomach is a big cheese with a little rat gnawing away at it—never making any progress."

Loneliness Can Be Bad for Your Heart
In his book The Broken Heart, Dr. James Lynch at the University of Maryland Hospital makes a powerful connection between social isolation and heart disease, pointing out that "reflected in our hearts there is a biological basis for our need to form loving human relationships."

Research reveals that people who live alone after their first heart attack are almost twice as likely to have a second heart attack or to die from heart disease than those who share a home. Studies also show that people diagnosed with breast cancer, malignant melanoma, and other potentially fatal diseases survive longer if they join a support group. These patients also show evidence of increased activity of "natural killer cells" which reflect improved immune functioning.

Tips for Combating Loneliness
To feel complete, we need to nurture a strong connection with our inner selves as well as all kinds of social connections—spouses, lovers, best friends, or mentors with whom we can share our most private thoughts and feelings. We also need casual buddies to "hang out with" (shopping pals and "let's see a movie" friends), and work or church acquaintances who share common day-to-day interests and values.

If you're lonely, here are some things to avoid:

Isolating yourself or escaping into endless sleeping.
Watching television excessively or surfing the internet for hours on end.
Overindulging in food, alcohol, or drugs to numb the pain.

Here are some positive ways to deal with loneliness:


Seek out people. If you're lonely due to a situational factor (recent divorce, job loss, or a move to a new community) realize that your feelings are transient. Give yourself some grieving time, and then seek out people who are in a similar situation. Find a support group, or join a community center, health club, theatre group, or religious organization where you can meet other people and share something in common. Explore chat rooms and websites for singles, divorced people, single parents, folks in recovery from substance abuse, and others who might be prone to loneliness.
Build social skills. If you're chronically lonely because you're shy or don't relate easily to other people, brush up on your conversational or social skills. Force yourself to engage others in conversation (remember, people love to talk about themselves, so ask plenty of questions) and go places where there will be people to talk with. Join a singles organization and get involved. If your loneliness has led to serious depression, see your doctor or seek psychotherapy.
Be active. Participate in activities that you love. It's hard to be lonely when you're smashing a tennis ball back and forth or soaring down a ski slope. It's also likely that you'll meet people who enjoy the same kinds of things you do. Ditto for volunteer work.

RESOURCES:

Opening to Grace
www.tc.umn.edu/~parkx032/G-LONE.html

[Preciouslife1]

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take - but by the moments that take our breath away." ......


I cannot give thee less, to be called grateful. Thou thought'st to help me, and such thanks I give As one near death to those that wish him live.
Author: William Shakespeare
Source: All's Well That Ends Well (King of France at II, i)

From too much love of living, From hope and fear set free, We thank with brief thanksgiving that God created it that that no life lives forever; That dead men rise up never; That even the weariest river Winds somewhere safe to sea.



...."The Vision that you glorify in your mind, the Ideal that you enthrone in your heart - this you will build your life by, this you will become."........

There is so much good in the worst of us, And so much bad in the best of us, That it ill behoves any of us To find fault with the rest of us.

Many men are mere warehouses full of merchandise--the head, the heart, are stuffed with goods. . . . There are apartments in their souls which were once tenanted by taste, and love, and joy, and worship, but they are all deserted now, and the rooms are filled with earthy and material things.
Author: Henry Ward Beecher
Source: Life Thoughts

Our character is what we do when we think no one is looking.

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Author: Ralph Waldo Emerson

A truly strong person does not need the approval of others any more than a lion needs the approval of sheep.

Don't compromise yourself, you're all you've got.
Author: Janis Joplin


Only the mediocre are always at their best!
Author: Johnathan Winters

Character is like a tree and reputation like its shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing.
Author: Abraham Lincoln


Subtlety may deceive you; integrity never will.
Author: Oliver Cromwell

Integrity is not a conditional word. It doesn't blow in the wind or change with the weather. It is your inner image of yourself, and if you look in there and see a man who won't cheat, then you know he never will.

Integrity is what we do, what we say, and what we say we do.

Integrity: A name is the blueprint of the thing we call character. You ask, What's in a name? I answer, Just about everything you do.


Integrity is what you do when nobody is looking. When there is nobody around and you do your very best, no matter what you are doing, whether mopping, cleaning, working at even the most mundane task. When we execute with integrity is when our character is formed and when we increase our integral values. When we autograph our work with excellence in all we do is when our character and integrity becomes who we truly are....Autograph your work with excellence! It is who and what you are and it creates your legacy for your children to follow by.....

[Preciouslife1]

About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Acton's Law: Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Algren's Precepts: Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc. And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.

Ask not of me, love, what is love? Ask what is good of God above; Ask of the great sum what is light; Ask what is darkness of the night; Ask sin of what may be forgiven; Ask what is happiness of heaven; Ask what is folly of the crowd; Ask what is fashion of the shroud; Ask what is sweetness of thy kiss; Ask of thyself what beauty is.

Love spends his all, and still hath store.
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.
Author: Bible
Source: I John (ch. IV, v. 18)

Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves.

[Preciouslife1]

George Carlin's Solution to Save Gasoline

Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use. The best way to stop Using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants! That would be 11 million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down.
Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the border. When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq. Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve a tour in the military. Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it. After his tour, he will be allowed to become a
citizen since he defended this country. He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot. This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves. If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo.

Problem solved.

By George, I think he is on to something there....haha..burp!

[Preciouslife1]

A lady wrote a great letter in the editorials!!! It
explains things better than all the baloney you hear on TV.

Her point:

Recently large demonstrations have taken place across the
country protesting the fact that Congress is finally addressing the issue of illegal immigration.

Certain people are angry that the US might protect its own
borders, might make it harder to sneak into this country and, once here, to stay indefinitely.

Let me see if I correctly understand the thinking behind these
protests.

Let's say I break into your house.
Let's say that when you discover me in your house, you insist
that I leave.
But I say, "I've made all the beds and washed the dishes and
did the laundry and swept the floors.
I've done all the things you don't like to do.
I'm hard-working and honest (except for when I broke into your house).

According to the protesters:

* You are Required to let me stay in your house
* You are Required to add me to your family's insurance plan
* You are Required to Educate my kids
* You are Required to Provide other benefits to me and to my family
* (my husband will do all of your yard work because he is
also hard-working and honest, except for that breaking in part).
* If you try to call the police or force me out, I will
call my friends who will picket your house carrying signs that proclaim my RIGHT to be there.
* It's only fair, after all,because you have a nicer
house than I do,and I'm just trying to better myself.
* I'm a hard-working and honest,person,except for well,
you know,I did break into your house.

And what a deal it is for me!!!

I live in your house, contributing only a fraction of the cost
of my keep, and there is nothing you can do about it without being accused of cold, uncaring, selfish, prejudiced, and bigoted behavior.

Oh yeah, I DEMAND that you learn MY LANGUAGE!!! so you can
communicate with me.

[Preciouslife1]

Only the Irish have Jokes Like These Oldies


An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.

"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
************************************************** ************************************

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.

"I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim., but where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."

There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

" But you must tell me truth, Tim.. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
************************************************** ************************************

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.

Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

She says, he said, "Please Mary, put down that damn gun.."
************************************************** ************************************

AND THE BEST FOR LAST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either!"